Friday, August 25, 2006

Looking Back Looking Forward

This past year I've been using the power of the net, and my meager search skills to try to reach back to people I've known. These would be people who I liked, who had some positive influence on me, or were just fun folk. I've found a few. What is more, I have surprised the be-Jesus out of them by trying to contact them and actually reaching them. I'm not sure why I'm doing this; it must be some sort of self-inflicted therapy.

Some I knew in the army I located on my old unit's web site. ( I have e-mailed several of these old acquaintances, and have heard from none of them. Perhaps then, I was a bigger ass-hole than I remember. I correspond with one guy who was there at the same time, but we didn't know each other then. That's probably why he replied.

Several folk in Canada have responded favorably to my reaching back to them, and we have a sporadic exchange. One is, of course, The liberal, feminist, union organizer from The Great White North. Wise lady.

The only undergraduate professor whose name I remember, I found. Sent him an e-mail. He responded by saying how glad he was to hear from a former student from so long ago. I offered to go to the West coast to meet him, and he asked me how many of his books I've read. Never heard from him again. Oh well.

Looking forward is a lot harder. Everything on the net is either current or history. I can't find any help there. Looking forward is hard. PDB has said that I have no dreams. How can a son be so wise? Actually I do have some dreams, but most are really short-term.

I want to visit my Mom. I want to see my first grandchild. I want to see PDB get store #2,#3,etc. I want to see mathman succeed. I want to see us to never retire. I want a job.

Are these wants or dreams? Are these means to reaching dreams? Sometimes I cannot tell the difference. I have spent a lot of time looking back. Perhaps I need to do that to find out what my dreams could be?

I have had dreams in the past: Marrying Ms CPB, raising a family, being an English professor, being a Moravian minister, always providing for our family whether it meant raising vegetables and pigs to earning money. Looking back, I have no regrets. Dreams that didn't happen are ok, and those that came true, were better than I ever expected. I guess that's a bonus.

But what about now? Dreams or means to dreams. I was never a career person. I wanted to be, or I thought I wanted to have a life career. But I had to try many things; I had to see what was down this or that road; what is past that forest I can see in the distance. I have not lost that desire. What I have lost is the ability to get out of familiar ruts.

I think I can find it again.

That is why BRB is Left Right Left


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