Tuesday, July 25, 2006

A liberal may or may not respond to the following:

A correspondent sent me the following story. He has either not read this blog, or is trying to proselytize his readers. This ill-written, ill-conceived, and ill-thought out screed follows:

Now I understand……


Two of the most important events in all of history were the invention of the wheel, and the invention of beer. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.Another interesting revolutionary(sic) side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, travel agents, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide how to redistribute the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in later, after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately!

If I were to reply to this label-slinging, ill-written, ill-thought out, piece of mis-history, it might sound a little like this: But I may not reply:

Be very, very careful how you label yourself or your heros.

Conservative religious leaders have started crusades, inquisitions, and Salem witch hunts, trials and executions. They invented jihad. They send wired-up children to blow up other innocents. They used to rule Afghanistan.

Conservative industrialists have given us 16hr workdays, sweatshops, child labor, monopoly capitalism, migrant workers, illegal aliens; and because they could not behave themselves they have given us trade unions and thousands of laws and regulations to correct their behavior. (See Enron)

Conservative educators want to take away religious freedom for kids by teaching one religion, one theory of beginings, and one way of thinking.

Conservative governments and political leaders have given us the biggest federal deficit in history, the Great Depression, lobbyists, Hitler, eroded personal freedoms, buy our phone records in the name of national security. We've had Jim Crow laws, McCarthy hearings, actors in the White House.

Liberals have the same problem. The label, liberal, can be applied to Franklin D. Roosevelt and Susan Sarandon, which is absurd.

This is why I don't like labels of any kind. They generalize, trivialize and minimize the individual and any accomplishments by them.

I may not respond. I think I have lost my sense of humor over this one. Also, it took a liberal to dream up the idea of beer in the first place. Both can enjoy it, if I buy into that theory of beer and the wheel!


Perhaps Frank will send more blog fodder.

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